All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
