I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
