Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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