My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
