He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up under a house in Key West
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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