I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
