Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize