While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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