I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
