I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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