I didn't shave. On purpose
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
