come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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