There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
