I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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