you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
being pregnant is like rehab
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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