The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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