he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
