I smell stomach acid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
