True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
