Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
