My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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