I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
