He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
