why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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