I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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