just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
