My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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