I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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