Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
