This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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