Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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