He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
