Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
