I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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