She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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