shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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