i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
