so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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