now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
