well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
