She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
