Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
