Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
