I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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