I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
