I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
