if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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