Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
