Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
