Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
