My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
