I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
