I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
