One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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