someone threw a dead crab at me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
