i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize