My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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