4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
