He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
